When It Hurts Too Much To Let It Go

It hurts to let go.

This post has taken me quite a long time to write (longer than I care to admit, in fact).  I knew WHAT I wanted to write about, but sometimes it’s hard to gather and express all my thoughts and feelings at one time.  I would jot down some thoughts here and there and then come back to it after a few days. The truth is, tough stuff is hard to write about.  But at the same time, it’s also this kind of writing that I find to be the most therapeutic.  Bittersweet, I guess you could call it.

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The past few years have been pretty rocky for me.  Anyone that has been through a divorce (or any tough breakup, for that matter) knows that it sucks.  It is a life-changing event that is never easy, never cut and dry.  So many emotions are involved and having kids in the mix takes it to another level. I could never even begin to explain everything in one paragraph, but you absolutely walk out of it at the end as a changed person (for the better…..I know I did).  You learn so much about yourself and what you really want and need out of a relationship.

I am a sensitive, empathetic person.  It’s just the way God made me.  I feel my emotions to the max.  Do I overthink things on occasion?  Maybe.  Do I take some things that people say personally and probably shouldn’t?  Sometimes.  Do I care too much about certain people that don’t show me that same kind of care in return?  Yep, sure do.

But let me tell you, feeling things so deeply is both a blessing and a curse.

When it comes to emotions, if you’re anything like me, it can be hard to let things go.  Big life changes are hard for anyone, but especially those like myself with anxiety.  My anxiety kicks in when I let whatever it is that is bothering me take over my thoughts and then, in turn, my body reacts with physical symptoms.

Just to be clear, I’m not talking about letting go of little things…..like you’re mad because someone ate the last of your favorite ice cream in the freezer or the dinner that you made didn’t quite turn out how you had hoped.  That’s minor stuff……let that go.

I’m talking about the big things.  The deep, painful things.  The things that you think about all the time and are hard to deal with.  Those kind of life changing events that somehow shape you into a different person than you were before they happened.  The same things that also teach you a lot about yourself.

When I was going through my divorce (or any of the other significant breakups that have happened in my life), I would often hear words of advice from people like, “Just let it go” or “Try your best to move on and let it go”.

I understand why someone would say those things..….no one likes to see anyone they care about going upset and going through pain.  They were only trying to help and offer their advice.

But the truth is “just letting go” is easier said than done.  I believe everyone feels the depths of emotional pain differently.  What one person may be able to easily let go of, another person may have a much harder time with.

So how are we supposed to let something go that we are still trying to emotionally process and heal from?

What do you do then?  Where do you go from there?

What do you do when it HURTS TOO DAMN MUCH to let it go??

Try instead to LET IT BE.

Let me explain the difference.

When I am going through a tough situation and I have a thought about someone (or something) that has caused me pain, I let the thoughts arise.

I allow myself to think about whatever it is and tell myself that IT’S OKAY to feel that way.  IT’S OKAY to still feel pain from whatever it is I am hurt about.  No shaming myself or judging my thoughts. Then I simply LET THE THOUGHT BE.

This is a form of mindfulness.

Let your thoughts come up (which they will…..you can’t avoid it from happening).

Notice your feelings.  Accept what your thoughts are (or what your current situation is).

Know that you won’t always feel this way (or feel the depth of the pain this much).

Do not judge yourself for feeling the way you do.

Allow your feelings to exist without letting them disrupt your emotions.

Calmly acknowledge your thoughts and accept your feelings.

Focus your awareness back on the present moment.  Focus on what is happening right now without wishing it were different.

See, I feel like telling someone to “Let It Go” is like telling them what they are feeling is not valid.  Telling them it’s not okay to feel those tough emotions.  Shaming them for feeling the way they are or thinking how they do.

It is very important to feel your emotions in order to process them and try to make peace with whatever you are going through in your life.  One of the worst things we can do when we are trying to heal from emotional pain is shame ourselves for feeling how we do.  We all feel pain.  But each of us processes pain differently and at a different pace.

I’m sure you may have something of your own that you are going through right now that can relate to this.  I only used my divorce and other breakups as examples because they are things that have deeply affected me emotionally.  Maybe you’ve recently left your job because you weren’t happy…..perhaps you had an argument with a family member that you are taking very hard….maybe you no longer talk to someone who was once a big part of your life.  We all have different things going on in our life that cause emotional pain.

So whatever tough times you are going through in your life right now, don’t try to avoid or deny your thoughts and emotions.  Don’t shame yourself for feeling the way you do.  Know that being with your unpleasant thoughts is okay and don’t fear you will always feel that way (because you won’t).

This process of thinking is not something that happens overnight.  It takes time.  I am still trying to teach myself to be more aware of my feelings and not judge myself for them.  But I have noticed over time that practicing this form of mindfulness has helped me to be more patient, feel more relaxed and helped me be a better parent by being fully present with my kids.

Life isn’t always a joy ride.  Things can’t be planned all the time and don’t always happen how we would like them to.  That’s why it is important to be kind to yourself and your thoughts.

LET IT BE.  See if it makes a positive difference in your life as it has in mine.